Reclaimed

"Can it be that it was all so simple then?"

Remember when we were all kids, and we lived our lives as if we would never die. I can recall how every day, as a child, I would do something extremely irrational and possibly life threatening just because I didn't know it could be detrimental to my well-being. I also remember how whenever I would interact with someone new, I thought that they honestly would like me simply because people should be nice to people. I always shared my candy with the girl in the desk in front of me; I always let the guys come hang out in the fort I made out of cardboard and grass. Life was this big recess, and everyone was happy just to have fun.

Innocence and naivete can sometimes be synonymous.


As I became a teenager, however, I began to realize that what was once considered innocence was slowly turning into what some would consider ignorance. Believing in the goodness of humanity seemed to be tantamount to still believing in Santa Claus. Around this time, I had met my first girlfriend. (Yeah, I was kind of a late bloomer.) Though we were young, I guess part of me felt that she really cared about me, and that made her the best girlfriend ever. That lasted about three days. You see, she never really liked me...she just wanted to see if she had what it took to get me to go with her. I even gave the girl some of my cookies!!! My first wake up call to ulterior motives. Many of my friends thought that I should have seen through her facade, but I was so ignorant to the ways of the world that I couldn't see past my feelings. Fast forward to today (about 10 years later) and not much has changed. I never could tell how a person really feels, or what a person really thought about me, and that keeps me on edge. It keeps me wondering...afraid...suspicious even. I think alot of my suspicion deals with the fact that for years, the people in my family, though done out of good intentions, tried to prepare me for life and the trials that come with dealing with people. They warned me of racism, infidelity, dishonesty...all of the social ills of which I had been previously unaware...to which I was ignorant. They tried to arm me for battle.

But my question is...is being ignorant such a bad thing?

I say this because now that I am in the "battlezone" so to speak, I realize that I am more apprehensive about being around other people for fear that they may not have my best interest at heart. Sure people have hurt me in the past, but now it is almost like I believe that their sole intent is to do harm to me. But at times, I also feel that I am fighting a war that has yet to begin. That I am armed for combat, but with no combatants. I feel that I have been made into this untrusting, fearful being who is alone and can trust no one but myself. This is a far cry from the person who I used to be.

So tonight, I officially reclaim my ignorance. Yeah, I said it...I reclaim my ignorance!

You see, when I was a youngster, I did alot of things in my life simply because I enjoyed them. If I won a spelling bee, it was because I loved to spell. If I took martial arts, it was because I loved the sport. If I didn't achieve a goal, I worked much harder to make it happen the next time because obviously, I didn't prepare enough. I did this because I was naive, and to a point oblivious, to the external factors that may or may not have hindered my progress. In retrospect, I am sure that there were people who worked against me during my younger years (and I can call many of them by name) but at the time, life was too much fun for me to worry about anyone who may have tried to stand in my way. I just didn't seem to care, because I was ignorant to it all.

Now it seems that I compete in different arenas, not for enjoyment of the game, but to prepare for what someone else may be planning. And since I have been in graduate school, I have come to realize that I am not the only one. Many of the students are scared to study together because they think that they will get stabbed in the back come test time. Alot of the people at my job (lab) won't discuss work because they are afraid of getting scooped on their next big project. People have become paranoid over what the next person will do, rather than focus on the goal ahead of them. And when they fail at a task, for some reason, it is always easier to blame it on
the "conspiracy" since they are already looking for it anyway. I, too, have fallen to this rationale many times.

But in my heart of hearts, I want to trust in humanity. I want to believe that people are genuinely good, but maybe misguided. I also want to believe that no man/woman can take from me what God has given me in terms of my blessings, talents, and spirit. I want to know that, while everyone is not perfect, that if I don't concern myself with them, and I stay prayerful, that their ill-intent can be overcome with my love for them as human beings. I want to live my life much like I did when I was young, and just didn't know any better than to care for and love my peers no matter what they thought of me.

I want to be ignorant again.