The 7 D.E.P. Chronicles: Cock Blockers Never Prosper

*Juke fires up the jukebox.  He selects track E:12...Jill Scott's "Hate on Me."*

Let me start by saying that there are three types of people that I feel should be locked away for life:

1) Pedophiles
2) Rapists
3) Cockblockers.

Now I know cockblocking may not seem as serious of an offense as the first two, and it isn't (which is why I placed it 3rd.)  But make no mistake, it is a capital offense, and should always be treated as such.  I hate when men feel the need to insult, shine on, or high post on other dudes in order to gain the attention of a woman.  I don't think this is something that has EVER happened in my line of 7 D.E.P. In fact, if anyone can think of a time where my line cockblocked on another dude...please, let me know. I will wait!

YOU CAN'T DAMN DO IT.  CAUSE WE DON'T LIVE BY THAT CODE.

However, sadly, there are bruhs that feel as though they need to do said activities in order to garner the attention of the female species.  This is a tale of such an activity.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the people who know the dude will know immediately who the guilty party is.  In fact, it is safe to say that the cockblocker in question, hereby designated as "A.I.A.H.", has been proficient in his blocking that the entire frat should nominate him for the Outland Trophy.

It all started with a roadtrip.  Brian (who is my number 7, my homeboy, and probably the closest person to a brother that I have had in life) and I were heading to Macon to hang out with the AKAs of Fort Valley State University.  Now to explain, the bruhs and the Ks always have had and always will have a unique and special bond as Phirst Pham, and we as a chapter and a line tried to uphold that love wherever we went while in undergrad.  It served us well, and for that reason, we still have bonds and ties with these women (particularly in the state of Georgia) that is steeped in respect, adoration, and sincere love between brothers and sister.  So when the time came for the newest line of AKAs from the Alpha Beta chapter to host their first event, we were all in.

We arrived to Macon, and we were ready. Strolls together: check!  Fresh outfits: check!  Suaveness in place: check!  The game was official, and we were the star players.

So we walk in the club, and we see a swarm of beautiful ladies of AKA.  There were gorgeous, as to be expected but...

They were the only ones there.

Apparently, advertisement was not something that was covered prior to this event.  But being the good bruhs that we are, we decided to stay and get the party crunk with them.  And like true pham, they partied hard with just the two of us for a good hour and a half. 

At that point, about three more bruhs showed up from Atlanta, and we greeted them as we always do.  Two of the bruhs that arrived were bruhs that we kicked it with often, so we were geeked to get back up with em.  But that fifth muhfugga is the one that we don't vibe with. He is A.I.A.H.

A.I. stands about 6'4, and is an old head from like 95.  He is DeBarge beige, and you can tell when you meet him that he probably still has some light skinned entitlement issues based on his success in the 90s. So whenever he was around, he gave off an air of "You need to like me because I am khaki, I paid $200 dollars for this shirt, and my momma said so." (Of course, I am paraphrasing, but you get the drift.)

So the party progresses, and we are vibing with the sorors and sharing stories with them about our crossing.  As the party comes to a close, two of the sorors invite Brian and me back to Ft. Valley because they didn't want us to be on the road late. (See, Ethel would have been proud...that's love right there.) But as soon as she said those words, A.I. heard her and said, "Yeah, WE (as in the 7 of us) would love to come stay with y'all."

Now mind you, we had two different ideas of what was about to go down.  Brian and I wanted a place to crash...can't say the same for the others.

Just to help you do the math as we go through the following scenario:  There were 3 AKAs, 5 Alphas.  That leaves a surplus of two dudes, which meant that if pairing off was to occur, two people would have to take a loss.  Not a problem for Brian and I, since we weren't trying to get with them like that anyway.  But the problem with competition is that other competitors don't know when you aren't competing.  And thus, the battle for supremacy at whatever cost begins.

We hit up the Waffle House because WH is only good after 2 am and before 11 am.  As we get to the Waffle House, I tell my LB that after we eat, I am going to stay with another soror who I am cool with, so just take my car and call me in the morning.  He agrees, and we go in to meet with the ladies.

When we get into the restaurant, I hear someone ask a question.

"Who's blue BMW is that?"

Now as a point of clarification, my car is a 97 BMW with my name on the license plate.  Seeing as though I am the ONLY dude named John at the restaurant, it should have been obvious. But I indulged his inquiry.

"What's wrong?  Did I leave the lights on?"

"Is it your car?" he asked back sarcastically.

At this point, my bullshyt meter was going haywire! 

"Yeah, that's me.  What's up?"

This dude has the nerve to ask me, "How much did your daddy pay for it?"  Everyone in the restaurant stopped, including the girls, and the whole room fell silent.

"I paid for it myself with money saved from jobs." As I answered, the group began to ease out of the tension and start back talking.

"Are you sure you paid for it yourself?" he asks.

The tension gets restored.

Now at this point, I am kinda pissed.  It is obvious that he is doing this for the sake of the girls, since everytime he asks me a question, he makes eye contact with the soror sitting closest to me.  Super lame? Yes. Did it matter to him? Not a bit.

So I give him the "Gone for I hit ya n*gga" look and start eating my food.  I thought he was done with the questions, but I see him looking pensive, as if he really had more questions. 

He asks, " So what year is that?"

"It's a 97."

"Oh see, I can't do no less than a 2002, bruh.  I got to have the newest car out," he says to me, as if his 35 year old ass is doing something special by buying a new car.

"Well bruh, if I were to lease my cars, I'd be able to do a 2002 as well.  But I just prefer to own it and not have a bill."

Finally this shuts him up.

I call the soror I am staying with, and she comes to meet me.  When she gets there, I pay for my food and tell everyone peace.  A.I. just couldn't hold his peace.

"Hey bruh, where you going?  Can I come with you?"

Are you serious?  Like really...are you serious?  In my mind, I had all kinds of monosyllabic words of curse to share with him, but I kept my cool, and simply said NO.  He looked disappointed, but oh well.  I don't deal well with shiners, and he was trying to do just that.

My night was comfy.  Slept well, woke up to a good breakfast being cooked by a wonderful woman, and watched TV with her until I got the call. 

Apparently, when I left, he just shifted his hating focus to my LB. We spent the entire ride back discussing how much of a hater this dude really is.

The moral of the story is this: Fellas, there are too many women out here who want a good man for us to have to slit throats over one.  Furthermore, fraternity men need to understand that if a woman wants you, she will choose you...so don't cut down another man if you feel you won't be chosen.  It reeks of desperation.

The legend of A.I.A.H is one that every man should know, and is important for you as the reader, since his hating methods and trifling ways will be a recurring theme throughout the 7 D.E.P. Chronicles.  It's sad that people can get to be that way, but fortunately for the brothers of 7 D.E.P., we were blessed with the gifts necessary to prevail, no matter who the hater(s) may be.

Keep it pimpin'!