The 7 D.E.P. Chronicles: Liquid Lesbian-The Drink of Champions

*Juke walks up to the jukebox, and presses J17.  The song: My Girl Got a Girlfriend.*


Before I begin this post, let me start by saying that this is not to glorify drinking nor debauchery.  This post is simply a memory of blissful ignorance, fueled by youthful zeal and premium vodka.  Keep this in mind as you reminisce with me.

Who all remembers the Alpha House back in 2002?  If you do, then you probably have some regrets locked up in that building somewhere, as most people did.  Though ignorance was never the intended outcome, it was often unavoidable, and in many cases, the causes of said ignorance was undetectable.

Every frat (and even the sororities) have their signature drink.  You can tell whose drink it is by the name and usually the color.  For the males, the names usually develop from the animal symbol of the fraternity and some bodily fluid.  Prime example: Gorilla Spit, Centaur Piss, etc. (I never understood why people would rush to drink something named as such. SMH)

Well, Gorilla Spit was the Alpha standard.  For our chapter, it was handcrafted by the liquor connoisseur himself, Mr. Black Ice.  As a master chef and expert of fine spirits, Black Ice dedicated his time and talent to making the most delicious, palate-pleasing libations for all who entered.  He channeled the legacy of those prophytes who came before him to producing the finest liquor around, and for that, we salute him.

Interesting thing about the Spit, however, is that Black Ice would never drink his own juice.  For any person who knew this odd fact, it should have given them pause.  But of course, that didn't stop the patrons from rushing for a taste of that golden goodness.

But as we all know, the effects of liquor are wide-ranging, and subsequently, good sources for stories such as the ones to follow.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

~Just cause you can't taste it...~

One of the hallmarks of a fine batch of libation is the notion that you can't taste the actual liquor in it.  Many of your fine wines, brews, and spirits boast of this unique quality, but it can have some dire, yet funny,  consequences.

So there was the case of a young lady, who we will dub Silly Rabbit, and her disdain for the "weakness" of the drink. As she tasted the first cup, she yelled at Black Ice, "What kind of weak sh*t is this?  I thought you made something grown."

SIDENOTE:  Prior to the start of the party, the juice was made with as much clear liquor as we could afford.  Simply put, you could probably have lit a match and set the juice on fire if you wanted to.  There was enough alcohol in the juice to crank up a car, but the craftsmanship of Black Ice ensured that the liquor would not be overpowering.  We knew this...she didn't.

After 6 cups of the punch (we tried to stop her at 3) she decided to just party a little and stop drinking.  For the first 10 minutes, she was very lively and talkative, and seemed to be unaffected.

Then the punch hit her in the back of the head.

It isn't funny, but if you have ever seen anyone go from talking in full coherent sentences to slurring speech in the middle of a conversation, you would laugh a bit.  She was dead in the middle of conversation when she drooled for the first time.  Of course, that was simply an accident.  From there it was a slippery slope to the bottom of her drunken state.

We knew things were getting kind of out of hand when she started calling herself by her best friend's name.  Don't quite know how much liquor it takes to confuse yourself with someone else, but she had that much.  It progressed into her doing the skate during the slow jam section of the music set.  Finally, it culminated with her dancing in the living room, by herself, after the party was over and we were cleaning up.  Of course, we didn't let her drive that way, so her friends stayed with her until she sobered up a bit.  They could have just driven her home, but I think they were worried she would throw up in the car, so they just stayed with her at the house until she got it together.

*Damn shame what the punch will do to you.*

~Passing out is never fun~

Now the bruhs were not the type of bruhs to be territorial or isolated from the rest of the population.  We had many friends of other fraternities and even non-Greeks who were welcomed in our house to hang out.  That was how we promoted unity with the campus and the community, and built some tight friendships along the way.

Those same individuals were also welcomed to our parties, and we always enjoyed their presence.  But the problem is that we often had to take care of them as well in the aftermath of the infamous Gorilla spit.

Thus was the case of ADub, who had a life changing experience at the hands of the Gorilla Spit.

ADub came to the house around 8 pm.  Though the party started at 10, if you were cool with us, we welcomed you early so that you could get your drink on and be ready for the crowd.  ADub started drinking around 9 pm.  He drunk consistently til 9:45 pm.  This is never a good idea, but he thought it was this particular evening.

So I am not sure why he thought that the driveway outside was a comfortable place to fall asleep, but around 12 am, as the crowd started getting thick, we realized that he was blocking the entrance for the cars.  He had been passed out for about 20 minutes, and we were scared for his life.  We slapped him a bit, since we all know that slapping someone in the face is the universal and medically tested way to check someone's stability.  He woke up, stumbled to his car, and decided to go back to sleep.  It took three of us to lift him, but we eventually laid him across the trunk of his car, face down, and let him rest.  After a few hours, we noticed he was still sleep, and since the party was over, we didn't want to disturb him.  In all, he slept a good nine hours under the moonlight...a sad, yet hilarious ending to a pretty much forgotten night for poor ADub.

*Damn shame what the punch will do to you.*

~Liquid Lesbian~

So the Gorilla Spit at our house had the unofficial nickname of "Liquid Lesbian."  How did it get that name?  Well, of course Imma tell you...

Fall 2002...we had the biggest party of the year at the frat house.  To give you an idea of how many people we had in the house...we charged only 2 dollars and made 1200 dollars by midnight.  Yep, do the math.

Well, this particular night, the cheerleaders from school decided to come to the house and kick it.  Some of their friends (non-cheerleaders) came with them as well.  They, too, were fooled by the deceptively smooth taste of the concoction, and their consumption of the liquid gold was astounding.  I didn't realize ladies could drink so much.

You know how people say that alcohol simply makes you do what you wanted to do anyway, but lacked the courage?  This night made me a believer.

After about 20 minutes, we saw the cheerleader girls huddled up in the front room of the frat house.  As we got closer, we realized that a good many of the women in that group (and others near them) had started kissing each other.  In the mouth. With spit and tongue.  Initially, it sounds like a dude's dream, but it seems that this was not the best thing for our party.  After about an hour, the fellas were getting a tad bit upset that the women were focused on each other, and that is when it became apparent that "liquid lesbian" could actually have a drawback.  We started limiting (secretly) the amount of liquor that we allowed people to have, in an effort to combat this phenomenon, but it was amazing how these sweet innocent young women turned YouTube worthy in a matter of minutes.

*Damn shame what the punch will do to you.*

In all, the beverage making skills of Black Ice are legendary.  He has since retired from the libation game, but his mlegacy forever lives on in the memories of the Alpha House and the lives that were touched by the infamous Gorilla Spit.  If the walls of the house could speak right now, I know exactly what they'd say...

Damn shame what the punch will do to you!

*End Transmission*