Wednesday, December 29, 2004

New York, New York

I have taken a vacation to NYC, and I must say that this is probably one of the best vacations I could have taken. It is snowing here, and believe it or not, I have never seen snow. The fact that I was able to build a snowball and throw it at the poor little kids on the block let me know that this was probably an experience that everyone should enjoy.

I guess the purpose of this short post is for me to acknowledge how important it is to enjoy the little things that life has to offer. You know, I have been constantly dealing with the thoughts of life, and how cruel life can be. How people are dying left and right, and how it seems that there is no positive outlook on things. How life seems to grow more towards desolation and less towards fulfillment. But in that snow ball, the little snowflakes all grew to become something tangible, and memorable. And apparently, it was powerful...just ask the people who got hit with one. The point is...life's little blessings, at times, can make you enjoy the goodness that is still out there, even in this world of turmoil and tribulations. And like the snowflakes, when blessings are gathered together, one can really see their IMPACT (pun intended!) I think I will start counting my small blessings as much as I count the big ones...because they all are gifts from God that help to make life wonderful.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Maybe Next Time

In his book called The Analects, Confucius talks about a thing called filial piety. This concept means that between two people of different statuses (father and son, big brother and little brother, etc.) there should be a reciprocation of responsibilities. For example, a son should always obey his father and support his father's wishes. In return, the father is to protect the son and to provide the son with proper guidance. Reciprocation...that is the key.

Well, I feel that it is time that I begin to start my portion of the reciprocation towards those who are younger than me.

This weekend, I took my nephew to Atlanta for a weekend just so that he could get away from Albany, GA. Now, mind you, my nephew and I don't get to see each other often since I have been in school. I can recall him asking to go places with me when he was younger, and all I could remember saying was "maybe next time." I was glad to finally be able to take him with me and see exactly where his mind is, and what he is trying to do with his life.

So I begin the weekend by talking to him on the way to ATL about life, and about school, and about girls. And the first thing I noticed is that he is far beyond any conceivable level of innocence. In the first few minutes of the trip, I found out that my nephew not only smokes, drinks, and is sexually active, but he also is involved with other unsavory types who consort in the same types of dealings. In other words, he is gang affiliated. Instantly, I saw how much time has passed me by since I last spent time with my 16 year old nephew.

Over the course of the weekend, I realized that he also had a troubled, yet inspirational story to tell. Honestly, the boy is extremely bright. He seems to be knowledgeable about the finer points of living. He has a steady job, and works to make money to support my sister and the rest of his siblings. He also does alot to protect and help raise his younger brothers, of which, he has four, and one sister. He constantly disciplines them on their behavior, their studies, and their interactions with each other. He sacrifices his wants and needs so that he and his mother can help make the wishes of his younger siblings come true.

He even wants to be a veterinarian...and was intrigued by the fact that I do animal surgeries in graduate school. Ahhhhh....a common bond!

And that is when I realized that he actually was mentoring me. You see, I never thought about it this way, but it was soooo easy for me to say "maybe next time" to each of his requests when it came to him spending time with me. (Now in my defense, I was in school, and I am not the only male in his life.) But I must say that, if a child asks for time and attention from the males in his life, and he is constantly met with "maybe next time," can you expect him to sit and wait on us to help. I learned that his potential, no matter how great, is going to be cultivated by some force...be it his family, his friends, or his surroundings. If the men in his family don't raise him, then the streets will...so can I blame him for following the code of the world that taught him? Especially if he learned things that I, or any other male in our family, neglected to teach him properly. I feel sometimes that I may have failed him, because I am one of the few in his life that could have made a difference, and yet, I left it at "maybe next time." That truly leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Well, I am doing something about it. My plan is for him and me to spend more time together and for me to provide as much guidance as I can. Sure the other males in his life could do more, but I can only account for my influence in his life, and for how much I can contribute. My hope is that I am not too late in trying to work with him, and I know it will be no easy task, but I truly feel that this weekend, we made a connection. This connection is what I plan to cultivate so that as he grows to respect who I am, I can offer guidance and refining to help him achieve his goals in life. I have yet to give up on him and a student and young man, and in turn, I hope he hasn't given up on me as a mentor and uncle.

I don't think Confucius would have it any other way.




Tuesday, December 21, 2004

"Richard Cory" Complex

Have you ever read the poem "Richard Cory"? If you haven't, it is about a man who lives his life to the fullest in the eyes of the outside world. He dresses well, he is successful in his job, and all the women want him. Everything is going well for him, yet in the last two lines of the poem, he shoots himself. Tragic end to a seemingly flawless life.

Why do I bring this up? Well, this blog has allowed me to voice things that I have felt, but was too scared to share. So I thought it would be fitting to go ahead and discuss this issue on here.

When I was younger, I often was seen as the source of strength and model of success for many of my friends. Alot of my friends admired me, sometimes to the point of jealousy, sometimes to the point of motivation. Whenever they would have problems, they would always come to me for a solution, and even if they didn't take my advice, they could knock the fact that it was sound advice.

But who do I, the "psychologist", go to when I am down?

As I look back over my life, I have come to realize that I have never really had anyone to whom I could turn and talk about my emotions. Most of the people who were close to me felt that since I helped them through their issues, that I surely couldn't have any problems in my life. Sometimes, it is a lonely existence when you have no reciprocation of emotional support from those around you. I realized that my loneliest moments were when I was surrounded by friends...cause none of them would ever imagine that I had somethings on my mind that I needed to get off. And when I would try to open up about them, their response would pretty much sound like, "Well, you will be fine, just pray over it." or " You always know how to get out of problems...you are smart enough to deal with it." It isn't their fault, but they just don't know how to be there for others once their problems are over.

Sometimes, no matter how strong we are as people, we still have moments where we feel tired, and worn by life and by the things that happen from day to day. Sometimes we desire, crave, need someone to be there for us...if only for a minute. Intelligence is not always the cure all for emotional distress...especially since the two often NEVER coincide. However, we end up feeling that because we are intelligent, we must be able to deal with our issues. Or they assume that saying "pray about it" will instantly make things better. I know prayer changes things, and I definitely do that in these situations. But after the prayer, sometimes you need to talk to someone who will just listen. Often, you need no advice, just a listening ear. I truly wish that I had that.

Nah, I am not suicidal, and I don't see it ever getting that deep. But I am writing this in hopes that whoever reads it will see that sometimes you just need to listen to those who have been there for you. You never know what issues may plague them and their well-being. If you don't do anything but listen...then that is a start.

Never assume that those who are successful are without tribulation. Those individuals may need you just as much as you need them.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Forgiveness in the Community

This weekend was kinda weird...

I just said that I wanted to reclaim my innocence. That I want to believe in the goodness of humanity. No sooner than I posted that, someone broke into my car and stole some money and clothing. Christmas brings out the good AND the bad in us all, I guess. The weird thing is that the stuff they stole, except the money, was about to be donated to Salvation Army or some charity, since they were things I can't really use anymore. I guess, in some strange way, I still donated to a worthwhile cause.

Which also makes me realize this...I have to appreciate life for what it is, and for what it may mean to others! It hurt me to think that someone could be in such need during this time of year that they would break in to a car on CHURCH GROUNDS just for a quick come-up. You know, sometimes I think that we take for granted our relationships with others in our community who haven't quite reached the level of comfort that we have reached. There are people in this world who don't KNOW any other way to provide for their families, or themselves, than to do what we deem illegal. Self-preservation is the first law of survival...and I was such an easy target (to quote T.I.)

Rather than feel anger at this situation, I feel hurt for the family of the individuals who did this...because they really don't know how much their loved ones risked for the sake of giving them a good Christmas. I also thank God that I wasn't around when it happened, because there could have been a totally different turnout for this situation. No one was hurt, I didn't lose much during the event, and ultimately, someone is benefitting from something for which I had no further use.

Life's funny that way!!!

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Reclaimed

"Can it be that it was all so simple then?"

Remember when we were all kids, and we lived our lives as if we would never die. I can recall how every day, as a child, I would do something extremely irrational and possibly life threatening just because I didn't know it could be detrimental to my well-being. I also remember how whenever I would interact with someone new, I thought that they honestly would like me simply because people should be nice to people. I always shared my candy with the girl in the desk in front of me; I always let the guys come hang out in the fort I made out of cardboard and grass. Life was this big recess, and everyone was happy just to have fun.

Innocence and naivete can sometimes be synonymous.


As I became a teenager, however, I began to realize that what was once considered innocence was slowly turning into what some would consider ignorance. Believing in the goodness of humanity seemed to be tantamount to still believing in Santa Claus. Around this time, I had met my first girlfriend. (Yeah, I was kind of a late bloomer.) Though we were young, I guess part of me felt that she really cared about me, and that made her the best girlfriend ever. That lasted about three days. You see, she never really liked me...she just wanted to see if she had what it took to get me to go with her. I even gave the girl some of my cookies!!! My first wake up call to ulterior motives. Many of my friends thought that I should have seen through her facade, but I was so ignorant to the ways of the world that I couldn't see past my feelings. Fast forward to today (about 10 years later) and not much has changed. I never could tell how a person really feels, or what a person really thought about me, and that keeps me on edge. It keeps me wondering...afraid...suspicious even. I think alot of my suspicion deals with the fact that for years, the people in my family, though done out of good intentions, tried to prepare me for life and the trials that come with dealing with people. They warned me of racism, infidelity, dishonesty...all of the social ills of which I had been previously unaware...to which I was ignorant. They tried to arm me for battle.

But my question is...is being ignorant such a bad thing?

I say this because now that I am in the "battlezone" so to speak, I realize that I am more apprehensive about being around other people for fear that they may not have my best interest at heart. Sure people have hurt me in the past, but now it is almost like I believe that their sole intent is to do harm to me. But at times, I also feel that I am fighting a war that has yet to begin. That I am armed for combat, but with no combatants. I feel that I have been made into this untrusting, fearful being who is alone and can trust no one but myself. This is a far cry from the person who I used to be.

So tonight, I officially reclaim my ignorance. Yeah, I said it...I reclaim my ignorance!

You see, when I was a youngster, I did alot of things in my life simply because I enjoyed them. If I won a spelling bee, it was because I loved to spell. If I took martial arts, it was because I loved the sport. If I didn't achieve a goal, I worked much harder to make it happen the next time because obviously, I didn't prepare enough. I did this because I was naive, and to a point oblivious, to the external factors that may or may not have hindered my progress. In retrospect, I am sure that there were people who worked against me during my younger years (and I can call many of them by name) but at the time, life was too much fun for me to worry about anyone who may have tried to stand in my way. I just didn't seem to care, because I was ignorant to it all.

Now it seems that I compete in different arenas, not for enjoyment of the game, but to prepare for what someone else may be planning. And since I have been in graduate school, I have come to realize that I am not the only one. Many of the students are scared to study together because they think that they will get stabbed in the back come test time. Alot of the people at my job (lab) won't discuss work because they are afraid of getting scooped on their next big project. People have become paranoid over what the next person will do, rather than focus on the goal ahead of them. And when they fail at a task, for some reason, it is always easier to blame it on
the "conspiracy" since they are already looking for it anyway. I, too, have fallen to this rationale many times.

But in my heart of hearts, I want to trust in humanity. I want to believe that people are genuinely good, but maybe misguided. I also want to believe that no man/woman can take from me what God has given me in terms of my blessings, talents, and spirit. I want to know that, while everyone is not perfect, that if I don't concern myself with them, and I stay prayerful, that their ill-intent can be overcome with my love for them as human beings. I want to live my life much like I did when I was young, and just didn't know any better than to care for and love my peers no matter what they thought of me.

I want to be ignorant again.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Ride with ya Boy

Wassup People...

I have read soooo many blogs and online journals lately that I must admit, it has kinda gotten me interested in putting down some of my thoughts on the web. My prayer is that you all will be able to enjoy the ideas that I am sharing , and that in turn, someone else may be inspired to share their mind with the world as well. I come to you, humble in my approach, and ready to level with you on what I am feeling...

Come ride with ya boy for a minute.

For the purposes of this blog, you will know my as Humper T. Callahan, III. Don't ask me where this name came from, it just seemed to flow. I am 24 years old, and a grad student in Cell Biology at Florida State University. I graduated from Albany State University, in my hometown of Albany, GA. Just your ordinary Black man living an extraordinary life, due to the blessings bestowed upon me by the Lord above. To him, I offer my sincerest thanks and undying gratitude.

I feel that my life has been perfect!!! Now I know someone reading this will think...."How dare he consider himself perfect?" Well, I have a major philosophy about life and perfection. I believe that God made me under a unique blueprint, with all of the amenities and talents necessary for me to fulfill my destiny. So if God is my architect, then who is to say that his design is flawed? I am definitely not. Now I know that the Bible says that "we have all sinned and fallen short." I understand this. But if the Bible makes a blanket statement like this about believers and non-believers alike, then that is already accounted for, and therefore, does not contradict my rationale (just had to throw that in there fore the debaters out there.) This idea of perfection has led me to achieve more than my mind could even conceive, because I go into each situation with the notion that 1) I am here for a reason 2) God planned this for me, and 3) he is too perfect for me to mess up his work, no matter how hard I try. Essentially, I feel that despite what society may consider to be my flaws, I will acheive my purpose and goals in life, and therefore, my living won't be in vain.

Let's take this perfection thing to another level. Imagine what each one of us could do if we thought that we were perfect. If everyone looked at their shortcomings, not as a flaw or imperfection, but as a quality not built into their design. Would you attempt to do more than you normally would, knowing that you stood just as great a chance as anyone else? Would you back away from insurmountable tasks simply because you feel that you don't have what it takes? I think this whole notion of "nobody's perfect" has permeated our subconscious and caused us to limit ourselves in what we do with our lives. There are sooo many tasks that I am doing now, that when I thought less of myself, I was afraid to do for fear of failure. I think now, I am closer to seeing my potential because I have removed the negativity from my mindset, and I embrace each challenge as a new way of explore my "amenities." I am perfect, and so is everyone that God has made (which includes you)!

Okay, so now that you have an insight as to my life's philosophy, you will be able to understand my mindset in each of my subsequent posts. Hope you enjoy delving into my mentals, cause I promise it will be a unique ride!!!

Humper